No Hope? Know Hope!

Lost and Found

2012-01-06T08:25:00.000-05:00

“When you're lost it sometimes takes a while to realize you're lost. You convince yourself you've just wandered off the path...you'll find your way back any moment. Then night falls....you still have no idea where you are. It's time to admit you've bewildered yourself so far off the path that you don't even know from which direction the sun rises anymore.” Elizabeth Gilbert

Being lost is scary...terrifying actually. I was lost a few times....once in the woods. I had my bike with me. I was alone. It had started to get dark. I remember the panic...the desperation of trying to find the way out.

I wandered in circles....over hills, mountains, passing streams and trees...everything looking the same. Finally....I dropped my bike and took off running. In my panic.....I prayed...more like begged God to help me get out of there. He heard. When I came across an opening that had a stream of light shining through showing the way out.....I whooped and hollered....totally relieved...totally grateful.

Being lost isn't fun. It's scary. Frightening. I used to be lost in ways that made my world scary. I wandered in the dark....alone....desperate to find the way out....afraid I never would.

I drifted around going over and over the same hurtful places. In my panic.....I prayed.....more like begged God to show me the way out. He heard. When I saw the Light illuminating the path leading out.....I was totally overwhelmed with relief, joy and gratitude.

Being lost on your own....in the dark.....is super scary. I've never forgotten the feeling of running scared......the panic sticking in my throat....the hope of seeing a path I thought to be the way out and then the awful let-down when I realized it led nowhere. And when I finally saw the Light showing the path out...those overwhelming feelings of relief and gratitude....

I won't ever forget what it felt like to be lost then found. Because of that.....I always want to shine His Light for others so they too can find their way out.

Power in Writing.

2011-12-28T08:10:00.001-05:00

Writing is a weapon more powerful than a fist." Hurricane Rubin Carter

Sometimes it's the tough way....the hard road.....the path that seems meaningless that teaches the best lessons. That's the way it was for Rubin Carter.

Convicted for crimes he didn't commit, Carter spent a lifetime in jail. A champion boxer...he earned the nickname, Hurricane Carter. But it didn't matter how good he was in the ring....in prison....at his lowest....he learned to fight a better way.....not with his fists.....but with words.

The words he penned touched a boy who picked up his book....cheap....at a rummage sale. Carter's words turned that boy into a fighter - not in the ring....but in life. He learned to fight for truth and helped win Carter's release.

A movie was made of Carter. Watching his story unfold is hard. Something inside wants to turn away....to not see his descent into hopelessness. But somehow he learned to put pen to paper and write in a way that sparked something in a boy who read them...He succeeded in igniting hope....faith....and compassion in him.

It's what I want to do with my writing...inspire...empower.....show how to fight back in ways that make a difference. But sometimes I wonder if what I write is meaningless....a waste of time tapping out all those words. Yet....something inside me feels this crazy urge to keep doing it....to keep writing.....to pen those things that inside....And maybe....just maybe....I can make a difference in even one life....like Carter did for that boy.

Choices.

2011-12-16T06:54:00.000-05:00

"Tomorrow is always fresh, with no mistakes in it." Anne of Green Gables

The good thing about tomorrow.....it's a clean slate......brand new......totally fresh. And the best.....I get to do whatever it is I want. I get to chose.

I can't change what happened in the past...I can't change all the tough stuff....or trauma or hurt. But I can make choices that effect how I'll live my life moving forward.

Those things that happened....shaped who I am...they made me me.....a fighter....someone who refuses to stay down no matter what. I learned from the streets....and from the things I had to fight....to never give up.....and I learned.....that things change...and they eventually do turn around for the better.

And the thing that matters most.....the people who hurt me...couldn't touch my spirit. I have scars on my body from what happened.....but none on my soul....

I'm grateful to be alive....and for each day to draw in a breath and have opportunities to live my best life.

Today.....I choose courage....and gratitude....I won't let what happened define who I am or dictate how I move through the world anymore. And I'm not alone.....there are so many like me.....fighters....who refuse to stay down.....who're fighting to live their best lives too.

Today...is a fresh slate and I get to chose.....

Enjoy the Journey

2011-11-21T07:38:00.000-05:00

"Live as though life was created for you" Maya Angelou

It's always been hard for me to simply enjoy life. Although I'm happy for each day now.....letting go and living it to the fullest is something I need to consciously do. I have to pump myself with thoughts that all I have is today.....that this is it....the time I've been given....to do as I want....how I want.....

But sometimes I'm not sure what that means or how to do that...I've been so used to focusing on getting through stuff....living with passion and purpose than simply kicking back and relaxing and enjoying the journey. It doesn't come easy to me. I got to work at it. Really think about it. Make an conscious effort to put it into practice.

I do want to face life different......not with so much passion and fight.....but with more enjoyment. But how do you let go of the drive inside....the compulsion to attain some goal....or purpose....or plan. How do you quiet the urge....the pull...the push to get that thing done or accomplished. I drive myself crazy....living and breathing that one goal....that one purpose. I focus my whole being on that one thing.....until I manage to reach it. I let it take up way too much room in my head.

It's different when I'm out in the woods....in His creation....feeling the peace of nature. But I can't always be out there.

Life is a journey to be enjoyed. Lately I've been hearing that a lot......now to live it.

Writing Break

2011-09-02T10:08:00.000-04:00

"Never forget me, because if I thought you would, I'd never leave." A.A.Milne

I don't like saying good-bye. I try to never say it to those I care about...the people I love. I think if I do.....I might never see them again.

I've been thinking about taking a break from this blog for a while. I'll still be writing on my other ones and I'll be back here in a bit.

I'm writing another book. I'm half through and need to focus on the edits and story line.

Stay strong guys....Never give up your fight to live your best life.

Anyone who wants to still follow me can do so at my other blogs -
Gentle Recovery or Write 2 Empower

Forgiven

2011-08-19T07:42:00.000-04:00

"The past can't be changed, can it? It can just be forgiven." Elizabeth George

They live inside my head....the memories of what happened.....it's all there....the pain, the fear, the fight to hold on.....all that darkness.....and the people who hurt me.....who tried to keep me down...who terrified me....and tried to keep me from living free - they're there too....

But the neat thing.....they're just memories...with no power....smoke without fire.

I have choices now....how I want to move in the world....what I want my life to look like...be like. I have choices.....what I want or don't want. It's still a struggle some days....but nothing compared to what it was. Most days now.....I wake up happy....thankful to be alive....grateful I survived....

I can't change what happened...or that I had to fight alone against people trying to keep me living less than my best.....

But I do have choices today.....how I'm going to live.....what I'm going to do with all that stuff. And I chose to forgive the things that happened and the people who hurt me. I can't forget...but I can use what happened to show hope and make a difference for someone else.

What happened....shaped who I am...they made me me.....a fighter....someone who refuses to stay down. I learned from living on the streets....from the things I had to fight.....to never give in....to never give up. And I learned from the people I met....those more vulnerable....who couldn't fight....to walk more gently....to have compassion....

And those people who hurt me....who almost killed me from what they did......they couldn't touch my spirit. They left scars on my body but they couldn't leave them on my soul....

I'm grateful to be alive....to have another day to draw in a breathe and live my best life.....to shine hope for someone else fighting their way through the darkness. Someone once told me the best revenge is to live my best life. I'm determined....that's what I'm going to do. And in doing that....I forgive. I'm doing that for me.....and for my kids....so they have a mom who'se free.....

We're going on holidays....heading to the mountains....a place I feel free....connected.....strong. And it's there I hear His whisper reminding me......nothing is ever impossible to overcome.

Think!

2011-08-09T08:03:00.000-04:00

"Think. Think. Think. Think it over, think it under."A.A.Milne

I used to be impulsive....jumping into things without giving them a second thought. Something would pop into my head or someone would suggest something.....and wham...I'd run with it. And....once in....I usually back-peddled to get out.

Possible consequences? Pros and cons? Those things never dawned on me. I jumped in with both feet.....not worrying about any outcome.....good or bad.

Some people told me I was spontaneous.....doing things on a whim....others said.....I was impulsive.....following my emotions.....not being cautious or rational. I think the later was more right.....b/c I ended up in risky situations....and painful relationships.

I learned the hard way.....to stop.....and think. Think it over. Think it under. Check things out from every angle before doing something. And I had to figure who I was....what I wanted....what I needed.....the things that were important to me. I never knew any of that. I was so used to looking outside myself for answers - It wasn't until I started looking inside that I figured out it's okay to take time.....to wait on something....to think it out...think it through....

I still sometimes run head first into stuff.....but less often. Now....I usually take a long time to figure out if something is good or not. It might be good for somebody else....it might even sound awesome...exciting....fun....but it might be all wrong for me. Sometimes....someone tries to pressure me into doing something...but after my emotions shout...Yes I'm in!.....something inside clicks on and screams WAIT.....THINK.....check it out....

Most times now...I make decisions by talking it out...thinking it over..looking at all sides of whether or not I even want to do it. Think. Think. Think. Think it over.....think it under.

Strength not shame

2011-07-29T09:14:00.000-04:00

"Survival is your strength not your shame" Jaycee Lee Dugard

Shame...not the healthy kind that keeps us from running to the store naked.....
but toxic shame....the kind that makes you believe you're wrong...defective.... not good enough.
Shame....it's power so strong.....it forced me into hiding....living in darkness...holding onto secrets.
Shame.....the glue that kept me stuck....spinning my wheels..spiraling further down into that black hole.
Shame....made me believe lies.....that I was different....wrong....bad.

Shame.....it wouldn't let me look in someone's eyes or worse....have them look in mine. I knew....if they did....they would see...and know....the truth about who and what I was.

Shame...it covered like a blanket....held on like a leech.....fed beliefs that had been ingrained since I could remember.

I'm reading Jaycee Durgard's story, A Stolen Life. I was afraid to read it but I wanted to. I wanted to hear her strength.....read her courage... and remind myself that evil can't destroy us if we don't let it.

Jaycee's story....a reminder of my own in so many ways..... Her words...feelings....thoughts....similiar. Her focus to move forward and her gratitude for all she's been given....the same. Her words confirm....evil can wield so much damage but it can't steal our souls....not if we don't allow it.

I wish there was no evil....I wish children everywhere were safe.....I wish only good was in the world. I hate what happened to Jaycee....the years she had to endure evil in its purest form.....and I hate that her kidnappers were free.....to do what they did....and that nobody noticed a girl, a child, held a prisoner in the backyard enduring the worse at the hands of a madman. And it sickens me to know his partner worked in a senior's home....every day at the end of her shift...going home and participating in evil.

I want to live alert....aware....of what's happening around me.....Maybe if we all did that.....children wouldn't be taken.....lives wouldn't be destroyed.....and evil would be diminished.

Jealousy

2011-07-20T10:15:00.000-04:00

"Jealousy is like salt in food. A little enhances the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under some circumstances, can be life-threating." Maya Angleou

I used to envy people who had what I wanted.... especially if they had a family that cared....who gave them support and didn't hurt them.

Jealousy ate at me when I saw them with their familes....families who helped them out....who encouraged them....who were in their corner. I lived on the streets....alone...with no one caring what happened to me. It wasn't fair....

I wanted what they had.....I wanted it so badly....that safe place...where I could go to kick back...be with people who loved me....who cared...who wouldn't hurt me.

Jealousy...it's a cancer that burns inside... always hungry....never satisfied.
Jealousy....it made me crazy...wild...reinforced I wasn't good enough...
Jealousy...it painted my world dark.....empty...left me longing...yearning for what I didn't have......envious of others who did.

I've stopped wishing for what others have or don't have. Instead.....I'm grateful for all that I've been given....an amazing family of my own....a home on the Lakeshore....awesome friends who believe in me.....

But sometimes...even now...when friends tell me they're having reunions or get together's with sibs....parents....family....I feel that twinge..an ache....that old jealousy...wishing I had what they did....a family - but it doesn't last long....

Life isn't fair to alot of people....Everyone struggles with something or other they wish they had or didn't have. And I've figured out.....not everything that looks good from the outside is real on the inside. People can look like they have everything....but they may be struggling with a bad relationship...or some addiction....or drowning in debt.

I don't say life isn't fair anymore....because I wake up grateful...everyday. Sometimes I have to shake my head to make sure what I have is really real......

I used to live on spam and handouts. I had nothing. And the worst - I didn't have myself....I had no peace. I spent most of my time hiding in
the dark....afraid of getting hurt....believing I was worthless....and about how to end my life.

It's different now....I wake up everyday....anxious to get outside.....to smell the earth...and see the beauty in nature....the flowers...and mountains....the lake....and hear the birds singing and watch for a blueheron in flight.

I'm grateful....for everyday....for everything in my world....things aren't perfect.....but life's pretty awesome.

A Life for a Life!

2011-07-05T07:52:00.000-04:00

"Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illuminates it. Hate cannot drive out hate, only love can do that. " Martin Luther King, Jr.

A life for a life - I 've been watching the Casey Anthony trial..it's made me think about the people who hurt me....who did things that caused me to slip so far down into darkness that all I wanted....was to let go.....and let the darkness have its way.

For a long time I hated those people....I wanted them to suffer....and feel the burn like I did.

Hate consumed me. It caused me turn on myself...punishing myself for what they had done.

It took me a long time to realize.....hating them hurt me.....not them. It kept me locked in darkness.... punching the air....and slipping further down.

The touch of His gentleness made the difference. It showed me.....love, kindness, forgiveness frees in ways that nothing else can. I knew force, threats, fear....this was different. Kindness softened my heart...gentleness quieted the rage...love dissolved the hate.

A life for a life - I didn't get what I deserved. Instead...I was shown mercy and given a chance to live free.
A life for a life - I don't want those who hurt me to die.....I just don't want them to ever hurt anyone else. And as long as they have breath....there's a chance they might even turn their lives around.
A life for a life - His for mine.....gave me the freedom I desperately wanted.
A life for a life - it's already been done

Worst Fear

2011-06-21T09:05:00.000-04:00

"The things which we fear the most in life have already happend to us" Robin Williams.

The worse things that could happen.....already happpened. And I survived. Nothing could happen now that could be worse than what's already been. There's something freeing about that.

Corrie Ten Boon...a Dutch woman....lived a nightmare. During the 2nd World War, her family hid five Jews. Someone who attended church with them sold them out...ratted on them.....told the Nazies. Corrie's family, including her elderly father were all thrown in a concentration camp. Corrie's sister, Betsy, died there. The Jews they hid....amazingly all escaped. Corrie was released from the camp the day before all the women her age were to be gassed.

I think about Corrie.....and what it must have felt like to be forced from the safety of her home....herded onto a train packed with more people than it could hold....taken far away from everything familiar....forced to live in deplorable conditions...and treated with terrible brutality - Yet.....

I lived my own hell.....held in a house for six to eight months.....raped and punched so hard my spleen ruptured......then living on the streets.....fighting off perverts and predators....later locked up like an animal....trapped in the system and treated like a non-person. I learned to fight...and I survived all of it. Many of my friends didn't.

When everything is taken away....and the worst has happened....and you've been on the bottom with absolutely nothing.......and you survived....you know inside.....nothing can ever equal that horror again....nothing can be as bad.....as what you've already lived.

After her release.....Corrie tramped around the globe telling people that no darkness was so deep that God's love was not deeper still. The worst had happened....and she had survived. No more fears. She knew she had nothing to lose anymore. I want to live the same way....not being afraid.....sharing hope...showing that the darkness really does lose it's power.....and telling people to never ever give up.....if I could survive...anyone can.

Music

2011-06-07T07:51:00.000-04:00

Music washes away from the soul the dust of everyday life. Berthold Auerbach

Music.....it has an amazing ability to go deep down inside to those places that need something to hang onto.....something to connect with......those times that feel empty....lonely...afraid. But also those times of being happy.

I used to listen to hard rock...the stuff that connected with the part of me that hated everything....that was angry...that hurt so bad and wondered why I was even alive. I played the tunes over and over letting the words and the beat....feed my soul....and pump me to fight back.....first with hate....now with hope.

Music used to confirm my sense of hopelessness.....But now it pushes me to try one more time...to hold on.....to know there's a purpose....a reason for living....a reason for being me...

I love getting in the car.....cranking up the music.....and letting it pull me to another level....to a place that makes me want to reach higher...and live my best life.

Music reflects my mood. It puts a voice to the feelings inside....the ones I don't know how to express. The sounds...the words...the rhythm reminds me that everything will be okay.....the bad will turn around. Doubts...fears will lose their hold.....and even when I'm tired...exhausted.....music renews....refreshes and comforts in ways that only it can do. The songs I listen to now give hope....enouragement.....and always fill me with a sense of passion and renewal.

What's in a Name

2011-05-30T08:00:00.001-04:00

"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet." William Shakespeare

For those of you who've read my book or follow me on twitter and facebook, you know my real name isn't Sarah.

It's time to come clean...to own my name. When I started this blog...I needed the anonymity...a way to write without anyone knowing who I was. But now...it's okay to own my name..

Rape and abuse do terrible things to people...it makes them move in the world in shame and fear. It makes them believe they're wrong and bad and damaged. It causes them to believe they're different and unworthy. At least that's what it did for me. Shame crippled me. It made me believe I was worthless....and being seen terrified me. To be seen meant to be hurt again and again and again. I'm not afraid anymore. In speaking out...in speaking up.....so much of that shame has gone.

My real name is Nikki. The meaning of my name is 'overcomer.....victorious.' And in Him....I am an overcomer. I am victorious. I kicked a 14 year drug habit, a serious eating disorder, self-injury - all which stemmed from being physically and emotionally abused as a child and later kidnapped and raped. I learned to fight on the streets and I'm still that fighter except....I used to fight to survive.....now I'm fighting to help others find freedom too....to know if I can make it out of the darkness.....anyone can.

I was told I could have a marginal life with professional intervention. I beat those odds. I did it with His help. My dgt. made a trailer of my book....to listen to it...you have to turn off the playlist on the sidebar.

I am determined to use what I lived.....

Today

2011-05-24T06:29:00.000-04:00

"Nothing is worth more than this day" Goethe

Yesterday while out driving we passed a really bad accident. Two cars....one jumped a red light and hit another one head on. Ambulances....firemen....police. Red lights flashing......crowds gathered...everyone horrified at the scene that had unfolded in a blink of an eye.

A couple of weeks ago.....a friend called. Her sister had been rushed to the hospital. I went to see her. We talked....laughed....everything seemed fine. She got hit with pneumonia.....a week later.....she died.

Life - it's pretty fragile and unpredictable. I never thought about it before. I was too focused on fighting to survive. But now....

All I know for sure...is that I have today....right now.....this moment. And for all those times I thought about ending my life.....Now I want each day to count....to be with my family....to watch my kids grow....to be outside....and smell the sweet smell of life in the air...and look up in the sky....and trust and know there's a purpose for each one of us.

I've changed. Everything in me wants to live fully....to wake up...to know it's another day to kick back and breathe in life......

It's so crazy.....at one time.....I balanced on a thin thread hovering between life and death - not convinced life held any meaning other than pain and fear. Not anymore. Now......I wake up and can't wait to start the day. I love getting outside...in the fresh air....feeling the wind in my hair....hearing His whisper in my heart.....listening to my heartsong and knowing I really want to live....each day.....as if its my last.....to the fullest....giving my best. I want to make up for all those lost years.

And I want others to feel what I feel.....that peace inside...and joy that sometimes feels like it gonna spill over. And on the dark days....the days I'm too tired...the days that aren't going the best......I want to write....and remember.....I have today......to make a difference....and live my best life.

Fighting Tools

2011-05-15T09:31:00.000-04:00

"I'll never say never. I'll fight till forever. I never thought I could feel this power. I never thought I could feel this free" Justin Beiber

When things had gotten so bad in my life I somehow managed to grasp onto hope. Hope gave me the power to hold on...to not let go.....to not give up.

Hope pushed back despair...It made me believe there could be freedom from the dance with darkness. Hope became a lifeline....an anchor....

But what really made the biggest difference....was when I somehow slipped from hope into faith. With hope I wished things would change. But once I had faith, I knew they would. I'm not sure how I even moved from one to the other. All I know is I needed hope.....and then I needed faith. Faith gave me the courage and power to fight back. It enabled me to clench my fists.....grit my teeth and apply all my energy to getting out of the cycle of shame that had taken over my life.

It was like being in a tornado.....the fight to get out was tough. I remember days when I was so tired from trying to stop the downward pull from sucking me deeper into that black hole. But I wouldn't stop fighting. I shut my ears to people who said, you can't...you won't.....not possible. I couldn't hear that. I wouldn't. Instead I focused on getting free. And looking back now....that road to freedom was hard....tough....long...scary. Very scary. Especially when friends died....gave up....gave in....couldn't hold on. Many times I wanted to close my eyes...go to sleep...and never wake up. I didn't want to think anymore....or feel the pain......but that fighter in me needed to fight...to beat this thing.

Faith became my strength. It helped me. But first.....I needed hope to believe that maybe the dance could change. Hope gave me that expectation......and faith was the force that pushed me to the winner's line.

I learned it can get even darker before the Light begins to shine through....but once that Light gets in.....it begins to work its magic pushing back every bit of blackness....inch by inch until all that's left is Light....

Do Better

2011-05-06T08:01:00.000-04:00

When we know better we do better. Maya Angelou

I have dreams...goals... desires. I want to make a difference.....shine a light....show hope...

For a long time I couldn't.....I hid what happened....I didn't want anyone to know....I ran scared....living in shame....afraid for anyone to look in my eyes....I knew if they did....they'd know the truth. And they'd believe what I knew...that what happened was my fault....that there was something inherently wrong with me for it to even have happened at all.

I believed those lies for a long time....letting them keep me living less than my best. At my lowest....when I couldn't hold on anymore.....He touched me....broke through the shame....and amazingly.....began to turn everything around. It didn't come easy. I struggled against the 'truth.' I couldn't accept that it wasn't my fault.

I don't know why I believed that....but the lie was the cement that kept me down....that kept me running scared...that pushed me close to the line of death not once....but many times. Lies. I trusted in them and they almost killed me.

The squeeze of darkness soured my life....and created a bottomless void of always wanting and never being able to fill its gnawing hunger that constantly growled its emptiness. I thought it would win....I thought there was no way I could ever get free. The hold it had kept me down....kept me defeated....

But His love made the difference....it cut through the darkness....It won the battle. The things that happened are become dimmer...And His truth is shining brighter. Love made a difference....His love.....and it still does. Love that trumps everything else.....

Hope

2011-04-26T09:09:00.000-04:00

"Such a feeling's coming over me.....there's a wonder in everything I see. Not a cloud in the sky....Got the sun in my eyes....and I won't be surprised if it's a dream." Karen Carpenter

At the lowest darkest point in my life...someone flipped on the radio. The song, On Top of the World was playing. I never heard it before...never even knew of Karen Carpenter. But her voice...her words sparked something in me. Those words slipped inside my heart...gave me hope....hope that things would and could change. Hope to hold on....to keep fighting....and to not give in to the darkness.

Karen's song gave me hope....yet she, herself, fell victim to the dance of addiction....She died from complications of an eating disorder. I wish she hadn't.....I wish she could have grasped onto the same hope that she had given me.

Hope.....what makes one person hold on and another give up? I'm not sure but one thing I want to do more than anything.....is to give back...and shine hope. I remember being squeezed by hopelessness....choked by the believe that I had no right to exist.....feeling completely alone....wanting to give up....unable to see a viable way of climbing out of the pain. My life has changed....gotten better....in ways I could never have imagined.

Now I want my words...my life....what I've overcome to instill hope and courage to someone else fighting alone....wondering if things will ever change. Something I learned....courage doesn't always look brave and strong.....Sometimes it looks scared....wobbly....and I learned also the darkness eventually loses steam....it dies out.....It doesn't last forever.

Sometimes I wonder now....if what I lived and overcame wasn't just about me; that maybe it's about showing hope to someone else lost in the darkness, helping them know they too can win their fight. If I could beat the odds, anybody can.

hunger and love

2011-04-20T09:05:00.000-04:00

You've got to have something to eat and a little love in your life before you can hold still for anybody's sermon on how to behave. Billie Holiday

She was an amazing blues singer. A black woman who wowed audiences. Raped at ten and then again in her teens, Billie never dealt with her issues.....never learned she didn't deserve what happened. Her singing....full of passion...full of soul - she poured her pain into every song......connecting with audiences that kept them coming back for more.

But Billie couldn't put the dope down. It held her a prisoner to the past...even though she used it to forget. It became a doubled edged sword...not doing what she needed. And in the end it brought her down....took her life......killed her.

Billie Holiday knew.....professionals...preachers telling you how you should act...and live...what you should do.....and if you don't...something wasn't wrong with the message....something was wrong with you.

I heard that all the time. I was told I didn't want help if I didn't do what 'they' said. But when you're hungry...starving....and your soul is growling to be filled.....not for food....but for a touch of love.....you can't hear nothing. Words become meaningless....empty. And like listening to a dripping faucet....over time they just becomes annoying.

Touched by love....feeling safe.....being accepted has greater power than any words. I had a radio interview yesterday. When asked what made the difference in turning my life around - I knew - the touch of His love.....love made a difference....love that waited....love that never forced me to be or do anything. A gentle and accepting love that met me right where I was....in the dark....in the pain....in the shame.

Love had the power to do what no amount of words could. It was like cortisone for my soul....a healing ointment...that removed the infection, the pain and eventually even the scars.

His love made the difference. It gave me what nothing else did. It became an anchor to hold onto and fight back.

Present

2011-04-15T08:18:00.001-04:00

"Whether it is the best of times or the worst of times, it is the only time we have. "Art Buchwald

Sometimes life hits hard....wallops with tough stuff....stuff that seems too huge to overcome.

In the past...it was abuse...kidnap, rape...addictions...even professionals and the system. I got so caught up in what had happened....I couldn't focus on anything else. Images kept playing in my head...holding me back from living in the moment.

Being present...I couldn't do in the past. I can now. And I will be present...even if it's uncomfortable....I won't run. I won't hide. I'll stay....just like He stayed.....

His presence....becoming my strength
His presence - becoming my hope
His presence becoming an anchor to hold onto.
Maybe if I stay.....I can be an anchor for someone else to hold onto.

Staying....being present is hard. Something in me wants to bury my head...not look...not see...pretend it's not real...that it's not happening.

Being present feels awkward....uncomfortable....I often don't know what to say....or do..... but I'm learning....being still.....allowing the silence....brings healing. It's not words that are important....it's presence.....

The hard thing for me now is watching friends get sick...or hurt. I can't help them. I can just be present....try to make them laugh....let them know....I'm in their corner....believing for them.....to win....to do the thing they're fighting so hard for. Watching them struggle....seeing their pain.....hurts me. I want to take away the awfulness....I can't. I can only be present.

Staying present....being in the moment.....not running.....new concept......a move towards living my best life...

Telling the Truth

2011-04-06T17:31:00.001-04:00

"Having the wisdom to face the truth will bring us closer to peace." Melody Beattie.

It's getting easier to stand up.....to be seen....to tell what I lived. It's getting easier to own those things that I never wanted anyone to find out.....And I'm discovering....everytime I speak.... everytime I tell.....I feel just a little more free.

I was told that what happened didn't define who I was....but in my heart...I believed it did. And I always thought there was something about me that caused those things to happen.

That belief made me hold onto secrets...and keeping secrets allowed the shame to keep me a prisoner. Not telling forced me to live less than my best....and it pushed me to hide. I lived in fear of being found out.....but I see now that speaking what I lived....telling those things I didn't want anyone to know....is a huge key to living free. And I've learned something else...owning what happened....telling my story.....helps others to stand up and tell their truth.

Sometimes I wonder why I lived when friends didn't. But I did live....and I've been given more than I could have ever dreamed...so I'm going to tell and keep on telling.....not just for me...but so others can find freedom too......

Unique

2011-04-01T10:18:00.001-04:00

"As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live." Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I was never allowed to think my own thoughts. If I didn't cry or laugh when my parents did....or like the same foods or programs or people......they put me down....said I was stupid...an idiot with no feelings. When the rapist demanded I stay with him... and accept his words....and his beliefs as absolute truth...but I begged him to let me go...he became enraged and said I didn't know what was right. When professionals insisted their way of recovery and healing was the right way...the only way...that they knew better than me.....and when I couldn't accept what they wanted me to do.....they insisted I didn't want help...that I didn't want to change.

I had been so stripped of who I was....I couldn't even determine what color I liked or what food tasted good without someone telling me what I should or shouldn't like. Living someone else's truth was living a lie...and made life an unnatural fit.

I'm not sure how I learned to think my own thoughts....to trust my gut...to know what was best for me.....but somehow I did....and it's made all the difference.

I may not want what someone else wants...or dream the same dreams...or think the way they do.....I'm me....different... unique...my own person. I know now....I have the right to think different...act different....be different. I have the right to be who I am.....however different that is from someone else.

Making decisions....even simple ones like choosing the color of a top or what food item tastes best can still drive me nuts....and I can agonize for hours trying to decide.....but mostly now.... I know....I have the right to choose for myself....even it it's not what someone else might want or like.

Since my girls were little....I've taught them....even when things look right...sounds right....even if a billion people are supportive of that thing.....but their gut is screaming it doesn't feel right.....then for them....it's totally wrong. My oldest amazes me. She's developed her instincts to pick up on things others don't. She's learned to trust herself....something that's taken me so long to do.

Couage and Passion

2011-03-25T09:26:00.000-04:00

"You've got to follow your passion. You've got to figure out what it is you love - who you love - who you are. And have the courage to do that. I believe that the only courage anybody ever needs is the courage to follow your dream." Oprah Winfrey

Wilson Bentley was a man who studied snowflakes... sketching them as a boy....photographing them as a young man. Fascinated with the clear crystals that fell from the sky Bentley spent his whole life trying to understand everything about the white flakes. Some thought he was crazy. Some wondered why he didn't get a 'real' job.....why he wasted so much of his time analyzing snowflakes. The beauty he saw in them....became his life's work.

Passion. It's what makes us unique. And like Bentley's fascination with snowflakes....sometimes it's hard to understand why someone is passionate about something. It takes courage to follow your heart...to be the person you were meant to be. There were people who laughed at Bentley...thought he was crazy....but he ignored them...followed his heart...his passion....and did what made him feel alive....

I had been taught I had no right to be or do what I wanted. I was forced to be what I couldn't...to live in ways that defined someone else's beliefs, dreams and purposes. I had no sense of self...no identity. Every decision became life or death....right or wrong. Even choosing a favorite color or food terrified me....I constantly feared making the wrong choice.

It was a struggle....to break free...to find my passion....to move towards the things that made my heart sing...that gave me purpose and a reason for being. I didn't realize it then....I do now...courage doesn't always feel strong...powerful...determined. Sometimes it feels like you're losing.

To live my passion....I learned to fight not to give in to people....and systems who kept trying to keep me living less than my best. I'm doing it with His help....

Now everything in me wants to fight for others....for them to be free...to find hope...to overcome....whether through my writing or everyday life. I want to make a difference.

I feel that awful fear everytime I step out and move towards what I want.....but I'm determined to live my passion. I've started a writing course and loving it...and joined Toastmasters....and accepted to speak to groups. The fear of being seen and heard has been with me for a long time.....but the passion I feel inside is now greater. I'm gonna feel the fear. I'm gonna do it anyways.

Keep on Swimming

2011-03-18T07:20:00.002-04:00

"Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming, swimming swimming." Dory in Finding Nemo

On Wednesday I gave my first Toastmaster's speech. My heart was beating so hard....my mouth was really dry...my hands wouldn't stop shaking. All my life I've struggled with being seen.....and being heard. But I'm determined now....to stand up....not run....not hide....and have my voice.

Fear always dictated what I did or didn't do. It ruled my life...pushing me to live less than the best. It's intensity forced me to reach for anything to shut it down...things that almost killed me...like drugs...and throwing up and cutting myself.

I know the opposite of fear is faith....someone once told me that. They said faith is like a positive magnet that repels the negative...fear is the negative. I was determined that even if I stood up in front of all those people....and couldn't speak.....or my words got all mangled up.....I wouldn't give into the fear anymore. The response I got at the meeting was amazing. After speaking....it was hard to look anyone in their eyes....but I heard their praise....I felt their applause.....and Dory's words swirled in my head....'keep on swimming...keep on swimming....'

Maybe fear's always going to be a part of the journey....maybe it's supposed to be that way....but I won't let it be the major part anymore. It seems that if I don't give into it....and don't feed it....it eventually goes.

Maybe it's presence is some sort of test....a barrier to push past to get to that place where I really want to be....a place of empowerment and freedom. Fear's been like a bully.....goading me to buckle to it's power.....But no more.....I'm standing up to it....and maybe doing that....it'll realize it has no more power ...and it'll just sizzle out.

I'm with Dory....I'm going to keep on swimming.....keep on moving....keep on pushing past the fear.

Forgiving Myself

2011-03-11T08:12:00.000-05:00

"When you forgive, you're not doing God a favor, you are giving yourself the gift of freedom." Joyce Meyer

I'm not sure why it was so hard....why I struggled so much to forgive myself. It was easier to forgive my parents who hurt me....and the rapist who held me and wouldn't let me go....then it was to forgive myself.

Maybe it was the lies I had been told that felt so much like truth. Bad....worthless....garbage. I know now....they were what kept me stuck in a cycle of pain, shame and fear.

Forgiveness - I believed I deserved to be punished for what happened - I believed it was my fault....I was to blame. Letting myself off the hook didn't come easy.

We rented an older movie...The Mission. In it a mercenary accidentally killed his brother. His guilt wouldn't let him forgive himself...even when the priest came...told him he was forgiven...he still couldn't accept it.

He tied a heavy sack on his back...a form of punishment and carried it everywhere he went. He was able to finally let it go when the people's love who he had previously hunted broke through his shame and guilt. Their love and acceptance gave him what he needed to forgive himself and let go of that 'burden' on his back.

Forgiveness:
-it's what helped release me from the darkness that consumed my life.
-it was an act of kindness towards myself.
-it's was a process not a one-shot deal.
-I needed to say the words out loud....to actually hear them.
-to let go of self-hate and anger I needed to forgive myself.

Forgiving myself was like turning a light on in the dark...it was the key that turned the lock.....and brought a freedom I hadn't known before. I had held myself to an impossible standard...Forgiveness helped me realize I was just human and doing the best I could...Forgiveness....a true gift of freedom.

Laughter

2011-03-04T08:04:00.002-05:00

"Laughter is carbonated holiness." Anne Lamott

It' was a hard week...fighting a cold headachy....exhausted...just not feeling good. My friend came over....started telling me how awful her day at work had been....and her responses to the people who crossed her.

Her words intense...her face serious..she spoke quickly needing to get it all out. I don't know what it was or why it happened but as she talked about the hardness of her day....the the two of us suddenly cracked up laughing. Everytime she started to talk...or be serious....and explain what happened....we both burst into uncontrollable laughter.

Soon neither of us could talk. Everytime we tried....we kept laughing hysterically. Tears rolled down our cheeks. All our frustrations that had seemed so huge disappeared....the tough stuff...my cold...her bad day....it didn't matter no more.

All week it's been like that...friends calling...wanting to get together...to connect...share....laugh. I've been saying yes...taking risks....being present...letting myself connect with people and life....

There was a time I never laughed...rarely even smiled. A teacher once told me, you're the saddest child I've ever seen. Life hurt too much. But now...things have changed. He made the difference...helped me move forward.

Laughter....a gift....total fun....the best feeling. I read somewhere.....classes are being held to teach people to laugh...and clowns are brought into hospitals to get the sick smiling and laughing as part of their healing.

I don't know if I could have been taught to laugh. In a couple of weeks I have to share my story at Toastmasters. They've suggested I write it down. In writing....I remember the darkness....the loneliness...the fear. I'm not sure anyone could have taught me to let go....and be free enough to laugh. For me...being able to laugh comes from a from a place of feeling free. Laughter...it really is the best.

Perfectly Perfect

2011-02-25T08:25:00.028-05:00

“In nature, nothing is perfect and everything is perfect. Trees can be contorted, bent in weird ways, and they're still beautiful.” Alice Walker

I couldn't stand to be looked at.....I hated to be seen. Whenever someone looked in my eyes I thought they could see in them what I knew...that I was...stupid....garbage... worthless....all those things I had been told. I kept thinking I needed to change...to be more like someone else or at least the way others told me I should be....

Funny thing about lies....they sound and feel so much like truth. My girls are very different from each other...the way they move in the world....the things they like....the way they approach things....In my eyes though.....both of them are perfect just the way they are.

When I had my youngest, my oldest was four. One night as I was putting her to bed, I asked her....Are you jealous of the baby? I've never forgotten her answer.

No. She said. She's the best girl she is and I'm the best me I am.

I was blown away by her words. I still am. Her amazing insight helped me to begin accepting the truth that I didn't need to be anybody but me....no more twisting to fit someone else's idea or expectations of who, what or how I should be....

I love the differences in my girls. I love that they see and do things unique to them. It's what makes our life together pretty fun.

Being a mom....loving my kids - the good things about them and even the not so good things....has taught me He's made everyone unique and perfectly perfect the way we are. That means me too. It's the quirks....those little things that drive us.....the flaws....those traits....and habits I hated about me - now I see they're just a part of who I am.

Watching my kids.....loving them for who they are...has helped me challenge those lies I carried....lies that insisted I wasn't good enough. I've learned...being perfect means being flawed....it's part of the beauty of who we are.

Self-Defense

2011-02-17T17:10:00.003-05:00

"I don't want my past to become anyone else's future." Elie Wiesel

My fourteen yr. old came home from school....told me she's learning self-defense. The school's teaching the girls how to fight....what to do if they're ever attacked....how to protect themselves....how to get free.

I listened to my tree-loving kid......my gentle wouldn't hurt a fly child - She went into great detail about some of the techniques she's already learned ....various moves...which body parts to go for......and the instructor's encouragment to not be afraid to bite, kick, scratch and scream. She spoke fast....her voice excited....animated.... but then she hesitated....her face flushed....her eyes held that hint of shyness...

I thought of myself at fourteen....fighting to survive....using my instincts..... fueled by fear and hatred that gave me the strength I needed to fight back...

I never want my dgt. to feel what I felt....I never want her to know fear the way I knew it or the hatred or look in someone's eyes and see the evil that can live in a human being.....

It's freaky Ma, The instructor's gonna jump us.....we have to do whatever we can to get free. Her voice was soft.

You afraid? I asked.

She climbed on my lap....put her head on my shoulder. Maybe.

It's okay to be afraid. I stroked her hair.

I silently prayed....that no one would ever hurt her for real. I'm trusting He'll protect her....keep her safe and because I love her and my other daughter....I've finally chosen to tell what happened to me.....to make a difference....in the hope that my past will never become anyone else's future.

Learning to Fly

2011-02-09T17:26:00.000-05:00

"Listen, everybody! There's no limit to how high we can fly! We can dive for fish and never have to live on garbage again!" Richard Bach of Jonathan Livingston Seagull

He was a bird...a seagull....a scavenger....He learned to soar....high above the garbage...He took a risk and he learned how to fly.

Johathan Livingston Seagull - A kid's book for adults. The message is the best....it's about coming to the place of knowing who we really are....what we're really capable of - It's about learning to do the impossible....the things dreamed of....wished for.....It's about learning to live life as it's meant to be lived....unafraid...free....following our heart wherever it leads....

I'm not there yet....no where near....but in my heart....I want to fly...really fly. I want to climb higher than I've ever gone....overcome fears...and let go of things that have kept me living less than the best. I want to face the lies..the myths...those things that hold me back from living totally free. I feel it...a crazy hunger....a strong pull....a yearning to scale higher....to let go of long-held beliefs and fears that have held me down too long.

I tell myself I can do it. I feel pumped. But then.....I'm faced with standing up in front of people...being seen....and heard. My words get all jumbled. I lose my thoughts and feel like passing out.

I remember how dark things were....and hopless...and the hatred that burned inside. I hated those people who hurt me. I wanted to hurt them back. Not too long ago someone told me......the best revenge is to live my best life...to be happy....to be free.

Those words floored me....a new concept...that focused on my learning to live above the 'garbage.' I want to live my best life....I really do.

Home

2011-02-04T13:56:00.000-05:00

"I long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever I find myself." Maya Angelou

The week away was fun....but the last couple of days....all I wanted was to go home. When we drove into our driveway I felt relief. And when we opened the door and stepped inside.....I breathed....a deep breath. Being home felt so good. I walked into every room....looked at all our things....still there...in the same places...untouched...unchanged. Their presence calming...comforting...soothing.

Home....a word that holds so much meaning.
Home....familiar...reasuring....safe.
At home...in my house - I belong....I feel safe. I'm not afraid.

For a long time I had this terrible ache...deep inside....a cry...'I want to go home. I just want to go home.' I had no home to go to. No family where I belonged. No safe place where I could kick back...let go...and catch a breathe from life. All I knew was how to fight to survive.....to make it from one day to the next on my own...alone...on the streets....everything always changing... places...people....things. Even now sometimes I feel a need to fight. I have to consciously tell myself that need doesn't exist anymore. It's gone.

Home....it's more than just bricks and morter. It's a sense of belonging to myself....being comfortable in my own skin. I never did. I walked around detached...separate from myself. I believed anyone had the right to do anything they wanted to me or to my body. My body wasn't mine. I felt awkward in it...as if it didn't fit quite right..

Coming home to me has been a long hard journey. I couldn't stop from falling further and further away from myself.....and deeper into the darkness....not until He touched me....made a difference... showed that I do belong...that I am loved.

"There's no place like home." Dorothy, Wizard of Oz

Differences

2011-01-30T10:26:00.000-05:00

"Always be a first-rate version of yourself, instead of a second-rate version of somebody else." Judy Garland

Last night at supper....I watched my youngest dive into her food. She giggled and commented over and over how yummy it tasted. She's my kid who loves meat...is always open to trying new things....and loves to experiment with different flavors.

My oldest sat down and 'inspected' her meal. For her...eating is a chore.... something to finish and get through. She picked out what she didn't like and pushed it to the side. Grabbing the ketchup bottle....she squirted.... coloring everything red.

Differences - it's fun to watch my kids. My oldest is neat...organized...and amazingly patient. Her brain is wired to ace math and figure out how to put absolutely anything together. Sensitive and caring...she cries at the sight of a dead bird....or even at the mention of someone hurt. She cares deeply for the environment...often driving me nuts with her constant reminders to 'recycle.'

My youngest comes home from school....slips out of her coat...kicks off her shoes....and wherever they land....is where they stay. I find piles of clothes in front of her 'open' closet doors as if she had somehow been prevented by an unknown source from placing them inside. She typically loses cherished items soon after she recieves them. She is passionate...dramatic....has a wicked sense of humor and tends to face life head on.

Differences - My kids add spice to our family by being who they are. My youngest brings excitment...my oldest stablity and calm.

Growing up....It wasn't okay to me. Constantly ridiculed... criticized...and compared to other kids...I learned being me had no purpose...no value. Over and over I heard I was all wrong...my thinking...my ways of doing things....even the things I liked or wanted. It's taken me a long time to figure it out...those messages were lies that kept me living as if I had no right to be...

I'm glad my girls are different. I'm thankful for who they are and how they move in the world.

Differences.....they're what make us special. I never want my girls to compare themselves to each other or to anyone else. I never want them to feel they're not good enough.

We're still hanging out in San Fransisco. Everyone we've met has been incredibly kind to us. It's been alot of fun....but now...I want to go home. I"m grateful....for everything I've been given...my family...more than enough creature comforts....and mostly my freedom. Freedom means everything to me....

Living Free

2011-01-20T08:58:00.099-05:00

"My hope is to laugh as much as I cry...and try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return. Maya Angelou

I've lost a lot of time.....running scared....fighting to survive....not sure if my life was worth much of anything. Since publishing and telling my story...
things have changed. I'm freer.....not weighed down with so much shame. It feels as if I've slipped off an oversized jacket that was too bulky and cumbersome....or put down a gigantic sack I carried everywhere I went...an immense weight that kept getting in the way.....

There's a ton of things I want to do....things I want to try. Mostly...I want to keep my heart open to living free.

Things feel new. It's like I'm experimenting with the world....and life....with living and being. I can look people in their eyes.....and let them look in mine....something I couldn't do before. I feel more comfortable in my skin...not detached as if I don't belong in it.

Most mornings I wake up ready to face the world. I'm still amazed at how far down He went to pull me out of the darkness...that place where I had no hope....no faith that anything could ever change. But it did...Somehow the power of His gentleness made the difference.

I still need to withdraw....to be alone...to tune into my heart.....and listen for His gentle whisper that always gives me the assurance I'm not alone anymore....and everything's going to be okay.

And I want to make a difference for others who are where I was...to shine hope....to let them know....nothing is impossible to overcome.Aboslutely nothing.

We're leaving in a couple of days for San Fransisco. I used to be afraid to leave home....but I've made a deal with myself....to trust...kick back....and have a ton of fun....

Gifts From the Darkness

2011-01-12T11:27:00.000-05:00

"Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift." Mary Oliver

I never realized until recently...where I had been...what I had lived...had left me with some pretty amazing gifts....gifts I probably wouldn't have gotten had I not danced with the darkness.

I never wanted anybody to know any of what happened. I tried to hide it...push it down....even pretend it hadn't happened at all. The shame crippled me....kept me a prisoner of the past....and tainted everything I touched with bits of that darkness. I walked around holding my breath....afraid to let go....afraid of something worse happening...living on edge....waiting.. anticipating the worse.... always on guard.

Then I wrote my story....told what happened. People started to know. The veil began to lift. The shame I had tried to mask began to slowly disolve. And then I discovered them....the gifts - gratitude...strength...faith...hope....even courage.

Darkness taught me some things....it taught me to never give up...never let go....to face my fears....and hold onto my dreams. It taught me its wild fierceness runs out of steam. It's not forever...things change...it changes....eventually it lets go of its grip. And sometimes I wonder if it were some sort of test...to see if I was strong enough...brave enough....determined enough.

And those times when I started to tire....feeling exhausted....and wanting to just give in...He came alongside and held me up. With Him in my corner I could hold on longer. I could fight the darkness with greater intensity.

The darkness taught me perservance.....and that holding on eventually does bring healing... freedom....and purpose. It taught me....never give up. Never give in. And maybe it wasn't just about me. Maybe it's about showing hope to someone else lost in the darkness...that they too can win the fight. The thought of that makes me even more grateful....because if I could beat the odds....anybody can.

Trusting the Truth

2011-01-05T10:52:00.000-05:00

"I do not trust people who don't love themselves and yet tell me, 'I love you.' There is an African saying which is: Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt." Maya Angelou

There was a time I couldn't feel love. No matter how deeply someone said they loved me...or how much they showed affection....I couldn't feel it. It's as if there was an invisible unbreakable wall that wouldn't let love through. When someone said, I love you.....I didn't understand what they meant.

Rape and abuse had erected a wall. Shame kept it in place. Somehow though....His love cut through...made a difference...made a way for love to finally filter in. Then the dance began...to trust another human being and allow them to touch my life with theirs.

Fast forward 2011 - There's some people that make me feel like I am worth the world...the way they look at me....and talk....their smiles....their kindness..... they make me feel important....and are always in my corner.....

Then there's the few....who show something different...their words are pitched to sound like truth....they use words that indicate love, caring....kindness...but there's a coldness....a harshness....an indifference. I used to think that it was me...but now I realize....those people struggle with love. They have their own wall....

Still...empty words spoken like truth activates my loyalty. My gut knows.... my head knows...but there's this part of me that refuses to believe they aren't sincere.

It's like being conned.... having my eyes covered with a veil...not being able to see right. I focus on the words and accept the lie. I hang on....wanting them to be true. Then whomp!

Love and kindness...no question when it's real.
Love and kindness...no wondering when it's sincere
Love and kindness spoken without warmth brings doubts...angst....hurt.

There's enough good people...sincere....genuine....
that it's getting easier to let go of those who are not. It still hurts because something in me wants to believe.....wants to trust...

That's what happened in the past....I believed lies...I believed people who told me they loved me....even when their actions were opposite to their words....and I got hurt...really badly.

2011 - goal....keeping my heart open to truth and love that feels right.

Happy New Year

2010-12-29T18:18:00.000-05:00

"Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right." Oprah Winfrey

A new year....twenty-ten ending.....twenty-eleven about to begin.

I never cared about the start of a new year...or an old one ending. It didn't matter. The one just seemed to melt into the other....Everything stayed the same...no changes....no real purpose.

Now....I feel this excitement....and a hope for a great year. My head is swimming with things I want to try...stuff I want to accomplish. And I have this strong hope...that maybe in some way I can make a difference for somebody....use what I lived to show that life does change and things do turn around....

Something else that's different...I have this desire to want to kick back.... laugh....and have fun. Not take life so seriously. I've always lived on the edge....on guard...waiting for the bomb to drop.

Last night my 14 year old snuggled up to me. She said something that started the two of us laughing. Everytime either of us tried to talk...we burst out laughing. And some friends came over....for five hours we talked and laughed. No one wanted to leave. And I was okay. I often feel I have to pump myself up to stay present even for an hour or two....

We're invited for breakfast to a friends.....and other friends invited us out for supper and then a party at their place. I said yes to both even though I feel overwhelmed. My natural instinct is to pull back...say no....not go....but this time...even though I feel uneasy just thinking about it.....I won't back out...I'll go...

The fighter in me survived the streets...rape.....drugs...an eating disorder - I can use that same fight to push past all the tough feelings. I'll keep telling myself I can do this.

Twenty-eleven....it's gonna be a great year! Happy New Year guys....I wish you all peace and freedom and His love.

Merry Christmas

2010-12-22T07:26:00.000-05:00

....when you give of yourself...you truly give." Kahil Gibran

A friend sent my girls $20 for Christmas. My ten year old held hers up and danced around the room, singing, "I'm rich."

That afternoon, her and I hung out at the mall waiting for my 14 year old to finish working at a local charity. We strolled into a shop where they had amazing teddy bears. My dgt. looked at me. "You like them, don't you? I'm going to buy one for you."

"No." I said. "It's too expensive."
Ignoring me she picked up a small bear and looked at the price tag. "$18. I have enough. You like it. I'm buying it for you."

"No." I told her. "It's too much money and besides....that will use up all your money."

Ignoring me, she took it to the cashier. "I want to buy this bear." The clerk smiled and said, "That's 21.50 with tax."
"Here. Let me at least pay the tax." I moved to open my wallet.
"I can get this. Put your money away." My dgt. firmly said.
As the cashier wrapped the bear, she told my dgt. the bear's name, but that she could change it if she liked. My dgt. said, "The bear's not for me." Then she turned and winked at me.

My 10 yr. old actually winked at me...and took charge...and used her full $20. plus to pay for that bear. As we left the store, she slipped her hand into mine. "I feel really happy Mom, and you have to pretend you don't know what I got you, okay?" I bent down and kissed her head.

Love. It heals. It removes shame and fear and feelings of being unworthy.
Love....it reaches to a place so deep...and feels so darn good. It's not about the bear....but the love my kid has for me. At ten....I was fighting to survive, hiding in closets in dark corners of the basement and under balconies terrified to get beaten.

At 14 my other dgt. is giving of herself...helping community outreaches and making people smile. At 14...I was living on the streets...shooting dope and throwing up....feeling I had no right to life.

I've been given so much...more than I could've ever imagined. I used to think...there was no way out of the darkness...no way the nightmare I was living could be any different. But things did change...Now I realize the darkness does lift...and the good comes...we just need to hold on...and believe....even if it seems like it'll never happen.....

I want to live my life giving back..just like my girls. I want to live my life reaching out... telling anyone who'se fighting to survive like I did.....Don't ever give up. Never give in to the darkness....never let go of hope. Things change. They really do. You guys are the best....you've helped me believe in myself. Your comments...your encouragement...your support....has helped me push past the shame...and find my voice.

And reading your posts....your struggles...your hopes....your hearts.....inspires me to live my best life. I hope I inspire too in some ways...

Merry Christmas Guys!!!

If you want to listen to this song....you'll have to close the music on my sidebar before playing this one.

I Rise

2010-12-16T18:00:00.000-05:00

"Just like moons and suns, with certainty of tides, Just like hopes springing high, Still I'll rise." Maya Angelou

I never thought I could ever say what Maya Angelou penned....'still I'll rise.' I never believed I could ever recover...or heal...or kick habits that held me captive and threatened to completely break me. I never considered that life could ever give back in ways that was different from anything I had known before.

I knew how to fight....and how to survive. It never dawned on me I could be happy....or feel content....or live life with expectancy. My focus was only on getting through one day to the next - and getting there alive.

In writing and publishing my story....in sharing what happened...I've begun to realize...there's a strength in me that's more than just a fighter mentality. It's more than just simple courage. It's a hunger....a thirst to experience life...to be a part of it in ways I never had before. Part of experiencing it is to connect with people around me...not just in brokenness but in passion...and adventure...and excitement and love.

I don't want to just survive anymore. I want to thrive. I want to face life square on...and not be afraid. That strength in me.....I feel it. It's there. Passion...and courage...it's there also. And more than that....I feel this peace...and a trusting that even if I can't see the whole picture...somehow things will come together.

I've been meeting new people....experiencing new situations. The need to pull back isn't as strong. I'm not so afraid to be present...and when I am...when fear kicks in...I tell myself it's okay....I tell myself just be real. And I've noticed...those feelings pass.

I used to believe....I had no right to exist. Now....I want to feel the softness of life. Now I believe each one of us...has the right...to live free. And besides...with Him in my corner...running with me....I'm not alone more.

Holidays

2010-12-10T21:06:00.004-05:00

"Just as a puppy can be more of a challenge than a gift, so too can the holidays." John Clayton

Holidays....I struggle with them...not the way I used to. I use to dread them. All the emphasis on home and family accentuated the emptiness I felt...and deepened the ache in my gut. I wanted so badly to have what others seemed to have...a place to belong...a place to call home...with people who cared.

Today I do have a wonderful family...great friends...and a home where I belong....but I still struggle with the holidays. Now it's with remembering holidays are something to celebrate. They're special...a time to stop...reflect..kick back...and relax with people who are in my world....who are special....who I love...and who love me.

Celebrations don't come easy for me. I spent too long on the streets... alone....fighting. I've learned to force myself...for my kid's....for my family...for my friends. It's a fight....a push to be present...to be involved....to even show up.

What's easy for me...is to give to others....people who are where I was - who feel what I used to...that horrible emptiness....being left out...nowhere to belong....no one to belong to. Giving to them....is the easy part. The hard part....when friends and family want to buy me things...and ask what I want for the holidays...I have no idea...and it makes me uncomfortable. We have been invited to tons of places....but something in me....wants to say no...that we can't go. I feel overwhelmed.... even somewhat lost. That's the struggle.

For my kid's sake I'm saying yes...I'm telling friends and family....we'll be there...we'll come. Then I panic....and the fight inside begins...how do I show up and 'celebrate' what comes so easily to others....to let go...kick back...relax and just be.

Holidays are tough.....they're a struggle. I am grateful for everything He's done...everything He's given me....so I'll fight to be present....and push past the uncomfortableness. It's not fair for my girls if I don't. It's not fair to my family...my friends....and maybe it's not fair to me too.

Reflections

2010-12-03T20:16:00.001-05:00

"One faces the future with one's past." Pearl S. Buck

Some people say.....you have to forget the past and move on. But how do you do that.....when all those things that happened made you who you are today.

Everything that happened.....everything I lived.....shaped who I've become. All those things.....made me who I am. How can I forget the things that made such a huge impact...the things that shaped me.....and made me the person I am now.

Everything I survived....all the dark stuff.....taught me to fight....and gave me a passion to want to make a difference....to show if I can overcome the things that almost broke me....anybody can.

The darkness still lives in me...as memories....as reminders....of what I lived....of where I was....names - faces - places...they're still there....in my mind. All those nights fighting sleep...terrified to close my eyes...terrified of the nightmares. And in the daytime...fearing being seen forced me to hide in ways that almost killed me.

That fight to survive became a lifestyle...a way of being...a way of moving in the world...always trying to stay one step ahead. I used to think it was just a matter of time....until it would be over. The darkness seemed so strong... stronger than me. I never realized how much I wanted to live....how much I wanted to fight back and win.

And I did win. When He teamed up with me....He took over the fight. He pushed the darkness back....one bit at a time. I'm not sure how it even happened...except somehow I started letting Him take over...and do most of the fighting. I was too tired. Some days it seemed as if I was watching on the sidelines...a bystander...hoping He would win...because I knew....if He did....then I would be declared a winner too.

Being in the winner's circle...is not something I did...it's something He did. I'm grateful and I carry that gratitude with me everywhere I go now.

Hope

2010-11-25T08:35:00.001-05:00

"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass... It's about learning how to dance in the rain." Vivian Greene

When things aren't going the way I want....something in me whispers give up. But then something stronger says...never. The fighter in me kicks in and I become determined to never give up....never give in....never let go.

I was interviewed yesterday about hope. When asked what hope meant to me...the word fight jumped into head. I never realized how much I equated hope with fight....that fight that holds on when everything is screaming let go....

I thought of all those things I did...........signs I believed showed hopeless......shooting up...throwing up....cutting. But in that interview.....it hit me....those were my attempts at fighting back....of trying to hang in.....and not lose hope.

The more the interviewer and I talked.....the more I realized how self-harming behaviours.....and even aggression.....are signs of someone hoping that life can be different. Hope doesn't always look happy.....with smiles....and positive words. Sometimes it looks rough.....angry.....sad.

Hope.....I hung on through using self-destructive behaviours.
Hope....He helped me to let go of those behaviours one at time....transfering my grip from them to Him.
Hope....it's something that pushes me to reach for what I want....
Hope....it whispers don't give up
Hope...it's a flame flickering in the midst of darkness.
Hope....An ingredient to realizing dreams.....
Hope...for me...is Him in my corner.....

New Shoes

2010-11-17T20:05:00.001-05:00

"The time has come," the walrus said, "to talk of many things: of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings." Lewis Carroll

It was that time again....to buy my youngest new shoes. At the store...she picked out a pair she liked...put them on...and walked around the aisles. Up one....down another. Then she took off running to the front of the store....turned around....and ran back to where I waited.

Her face beamed. Her eyes glistened. She loved them. We went to pay. She refused to take the shoes off. Instead...she handed me her old ones. Walking back into the mall.... she kept her eyes on her shoes. I told her to look up or she would walk into a wall....she didn't care. She jumped and danced and stared at her feet.

A few times....overcome with joy over the new shoes, she threw her arms around my neck and gave me a squishy hug.

The funniest thing....the shoes are reeboks...they're nothing overly special. Runners. Simple white runners with purple stripes. Not even light up ones. But to my youngest they're new and shiny and the best.

There's something about 'new.' To me.....new means change. For the last few months.....I've been wanting a change.....something different.... something new.....something exciting and fascinating.....that holds me...keeps me centred and focused....like my daughter with her new shoes....

Translated.....I need a goal...something to work towards....and that holds my attention. Without a goal...I feel lost...empty...like something's missing. Maybe this angst inside is telling me there's something around the corner...I got to trust...I got to believe.

Fight To Win

2010-11-11T16:11:00.006-05:00

"Try fighting with your head for a change ... it's a good one, even if it does resist learning.' Atticus Finch

Friends tell me....when I get something in my head....I grab on....and never let go. I always thought....it's because I'm just focused. But now....I think.....it's more that I learned to be a fighter...I learned to fight to get what I want....pushing back...never giving up.....holding on....

Having a goal....kicks in the fight....and in some strange way...energizes me. I feel pumped...geared up....and that thing that drives me becomes the only thing I think about.

In the past....I used all my energy to fight against what I didn't want.....fighting to survive whatever stuff was going on. That fighter mentality still kicks in...and is still very much a part of me.

I don't think it's a bad thing like I used. I try to use it now to fight differently.....to fight to win...not just for myself....but for others too....

At one time.....I fought dirty....using my body in any way I could to achieve what I needed. Now.....I've found my voice and I'm learning to use my words....focusing that fight in me to battle for positive changes and make a difference in my world and maybe in the lives of others.

I never thought what I had to say was important...but since publishing my book....and having had so many people read it and tell me my words inspired and gave hope and showed nothing is impossible to overcome.....I know now I have a write (right) to be heard...and a right to my voice.

Risk

2010-11-06T09:06:00.000-04:00

"And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. " Anais Nin

Nothing has helped me more than my faith. It happened when I hit bottom...gave up....let go.. That's when everything started to turn around. I don't know how it happened exactly....but it made me believe in miracles.

I had nowhere left to turn.....nowhere to go for help. I had done it all....the programs....the therapy.....the rehab....the hospitals.....nothing worked. Then He touched me...broke the hold of the drugs...14 years....shooting up....gone...just like that. But the other things....the eating disorder....the shame....the cutting...they were harder to let go of....

I learned....some things go because of a 'miracle.' But for most things....we got to walk through the pain in order to get out of it. I fought hard not to do that. I didn't want to hurt anymore...I didn't want to feel any more pain. I just wanted it all to stop....to be completely free. It eventually hit me....there was no other way.

I had to trust.  I had to do the one thing I didn't think I ever could. I had to face the truth. Look it head on....tell what happened. I had held the secrets too long...terrified if I told.....I would die. As crazy as that sounds....I believed it. I started to doubt if it had happened....if maybe I had made it up......or maybe it hadn't been that bad at all.

I knew one thing for sure.....I wanted freedom. I begged Him to help me again....I promised Him the moon...the stars...my life....
At times I wondered if He simply didn't care anymore. He helped me once...Why wouldn't He do it again.

Sitting in front of another human being.....and telling what happened took my breathe away. The shame kicked in....I couldn't have her look at me....we talked in the pitch dark.

When I think about it now.....I know He led me to that therapist....He used her to reach into the darkness of my world.....a place I had let no one in....a place I lived alone...with shame and fear and images of memories that tortured me and wouldn't go away. Somehow He gave me courage and in time......He turned the lights back on.

I stopped running....stopped fighting....stopped resisting.....and told.....and kept telling....and each time I did.....He gave me more and more bits of strength to push out from the dark places.....and the freedom I wanted so badly.....started to come.

I've learned it takes a risk to push out of the darkness. It takes courage and fight and mostly for me.....it took faith....trusting Him....to give me what I couldn't give myself....

All the Same

2010-10-31T11:36:00.000-04:00

"We all live with the objective of being happy; our lives are all different, and yet the same." Anne Frank

Sometimes I think about all the people around the globe....how we all live such different lives....speaking different languages. Some of us have every material thing you can think of......others just scaping by.. Some are alone with no one in their corner.....others surrounded with tons of family and friends.

But no matter how different we look.....or act.....or what our traditions are.....all of us want the same things. We all want to be loved....and accepted....and we all want to know our lives have purpose.

I walked around with this huge hole inside for a long time....always aching...always hungry...yearning for something....but didn't even know what. Now...I do know. What I wanted.....what I really needed....was for someone to say I mattered....that I was worth something - to have someone care....care enough to stay....to be in my corner....and to believe in me.

I wanted someone to care without trying to fit me into a mold.....their slant of how I 'should' or 'should' not be ......without trying to change me to fit into their idea of right or wrong. When I resisted.....I was told I didn't want to be healthy....or free.

No one really knows what's in anybody's heart....but there's one thing I believe....that all of us....young or old.....male or female....whatever one's nationality.....or race......we all want the same thing.....to be loved and accepted just for being who we are.

A Struggle

2010-10-28T22:10:00.001-04:00

"Nothing good ever comes of violence." Martin Luther King, Jr.

I never wanted to be like the people who hurt me. All the abuse....it gets into your system....into your blood......and into your head. It takes on a life of its own....and the battle....becomes a fierce fight to break free.

The hardest thing I had to overcome - that overpowering urge to lash out...to strike back....to quiet the wild rage that became a part of me. Violence had left it's mark.....and demanded to be released.

I didn't want to hurt anyone like I had been hurt...so I turned on myself...with drugs...and cutting and throwing up.

Violence - an energy I couldn't tame.
Violence - I lived and breathed what others did to me.
Violence - it lived inside in terrifying nightmares... that made me afraid to go to sleep or close the lights or even close my eyes.
Violence - I thought the people who hurt me were strong....powerful...in control.

But I learned the truth.....they were never the strong ones. It's those who turn the other cheek...who walk away....who don't fight back...who extend their hand instead of raising and clenching their fist....they're the ones who are really strong...and powerful....and in control.

Sometimes I still see violent images in my head..usually when I'm tired....but now....I go running...or get lost in writing....or go into the woods to feel the touch of the power of His gentleness. The touch that made all the difference in my world....that taught me true strength...and that true power has nothing to do with cruelty or meanness. Instead....it's kind...peaceful...believes the best..and always forgives...

Know Hope

2010-10-21T08:12:00.002-04:00

"When you say a person or situation is hopeless, you are slamming the door in the face of God." Charles L. Allen

Living with no hope is the worse thing ever. It's a pain that never goes away.

For so long....I had no hope of things ever changing.... of ever getting better. Hopelessness - a constant gnawing inside that hurt so bad....nagging and tugging....a painful torment....forcing me to focus on one thing.....getting free...even if it meant ending my life. And I tried. Many times.....overdosing, cutting my wrists....even jumping in front of a car.

Hopelessness ....it colored my world....dark...black....empty. I spent a long time in that darkness....seeing no way out....days...nights....weeks... months.... years.

Professionals believed they had the answers....they knew what I needed. If I'd just listen to them....take their advice....I'd be okay...they promised. But being okay wasn't something I believed could ever happen. I knew it was useless to even try....

Hopelessness....It made my heart sick.
Hopelessness....An emptiness that never went away....
Hopelessness....A ravanous hunger that kept growing deeper and screamed louder wanting to be be filled.
Hopelessness....A painful aching...a desperation that never quieted.

It hurt so bad....it cut worse than anything I ever experienced. And then one day....

Hope - without it.....there's no life
Hope - it's a thread to hang onto when there's nothing else.
Hope - it's what made the difference for me. His gentle touch.....calmed the craving....gave me the thread of hope...I have no idea how He did it...but things changed.....

Not everything....I still had to fight.....and fight hard to break free.....but I had Hope and Hope made the difference. It helped me hold on....It helped me believe.....It helped me know..... somehow things would be okay.

Someone who read my story wrote me....told me my book came to her as a message of hope. After reading her words....I went running in the woods...wanting to hear His gentle whisper in the wind.....grateful that He didn't let me die..grateful I can now give someone else the gift of Hope.......

Lisa: I got your book yesterday afternoon...I read late into the night and this afternoon....yours is such a beautifully written book, one that resonates with me on so many levels. I loved the descriptions, felt like I was right beside you, experiencing every situation with you. At times it was hard to breathe. Other times, I was moved to tears. Many times I was frightened for your safety, touched by your endless bravery. And then I was inspired.....

I found the detail of the coaching advice affirming the very processes I am currently working on in order to change my own negative belief systems. I don't believe in co-incidence, your book came to me as a message of hope.

Empty Spaces

2010-10-13T17:15:00.001-04:00

"Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated." ~Lamartine

A friend called....needed to talk. Her son is moving...three hours away....to live with his dad. She can't imagine not seeing him everyday. She couldn't stop crying...thinking about how much she's going to miss his presence.

Last week, a co-worker pulled me aside. Crying....she told me her son's best friend drowned last weekend..on a camping trip. She had known him since he was little. ...he was like a second son. The thought of never seeing him again made her ill.....

Recently...I closed the door on a 'friend'...the relationship had become strained...hurtful.

Letting go....saying good-bye...doors closing....

It's hard when a 'person' leaves....goes away....moves....there's an emptiness left....a space that needs to be filled with something or someone to take that place. And memories of what was are hard to let go of.

Saying good-bye....letting go....changes...has always been difficult for me. There have been so many changes....so many losses that whenever there's another one....I cringe inside. And the loss triggers a fear... and a crazy need to hold on....to not let go...to not give up even though everything in me knows...I have to.

The only alternative - hardening my heart....keeping it so guarded that I don't let anyone get close again? Running in the woods.....hearing His gentle whisper....I know...that's not an option.

I think we're meant to be loved....meant to take a risk....even if taking that risk ends up hurting us in some way. And the people who stay..who are always in my corner.....remind me taking the risk is always worth it.

Triggers

2010-10-07T15:28:00.002-04:00

Because of indifference, one dies before one actually dies. E li Wiesel

Most of the time I wake up feeling on top of the world...like I can fly and nothing can get me down....and then....Whomp! Out of the blue this dark feeling hits...and my heart hurts. This morning I thought about triggers....the things that push me back into painful memories....something that flicks a switch taking me to that place I just don't want to think about anymore.

.....like watching the news. I rarely watch TV or read the paper. But this week someone told me to watch a video of a 19 yr. old who hung herself while guards who were supposed to protect her....watched. They laughed, taunted her and did nothing. At 15 Ashley Smith was put in youth detention for acting out.....cutting herself...talking back - minor things. And when she threw crabapples at a cop, they arrested her and put her in jail. What happened next is unthinkable. They tasered her, put her in body restraints, treated her like an animal....worse than a criminal. They goaded her....mocked her ....laughed at her. Now there's an inquest...now someone is paying attention b/c a lawsuit's been filed.

What's even crazier....violent criminals...people who commit horrible crimes..walk free. This makes me crazy...it cuts to a place inside me that makes me feel like giving up. It makes me think what's the use of trying to fight for what's right when the systems in place are so powerful..

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross discovered something when she
interned on a locked psych ward in New York. If you treat even the most severely disturbed patients with compassion and kindness, they'll respond postively. Why doesn't everyone get this? Why do people in positions of power often use that power to wield control over the vulnerable?

Why did no one help Ashley? So many saw the harm being done to her...yet did nothing. I never want to be indifferent. I never want to be aware of someone being treated unjustly.....and turn away.
Some days....I just want to close my eyes....and not think anymore about all the violence and evil that happens.

I'm sorry guys...I just needed to vent....to say this...b/c Ashley was troubled and people in authority chose to treat her in ways that forced her to end her life. That hurts b/c it could have been me...or anyone who acts out their hurt.

I used to see the world as violent...but when He touched me with this amazing love....that changed. Love made the difference in my world. Love and compassion and kindness.

Tears

2010-09-30T07:28:00.000-04:00

You risk tears if you let yourself be tamed. Antoine de Saint-Exupery, The Little Prince

I never used to cry. I wouldn't let myself. No matter what happened...no matter what anyone said or did. I just wouldn't cry.

I thought it was a sign of weakness....of defeat and surrender. I refused to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing they had gotten to me. I forced myself to be strong...to fight back...to be tough....tougher than them....tougher than anything they could do to me. I refused to let them see me cry.

The truth was....I was really scared. And alone in the dark...the tears came. They made me feel like I was breaking and falling into a million gazillion pieces. I forced myself to stop them....shooting up...throwing up....cutting myself....just to not feel...to live numb...and quiet the fear.

Lately I've noticed I'm not so afraid to cry anymore. A few times when telling my story, the tears hit. My first reaction - hide....but then....a thought...to stay....be real....it's okay to be seen...to be vulnerable. I don't have to fight anymore. I don't have to make myself strong. I am strong. I'm still here. I survived.

I don't know if you guys know just how much you've helped me. Everytime I've posted....I waited for someone to tell me I'm a liar....that I made everything up....that nothing I say is true. Over and over again....your comments supported and encouraged me and gave me the courage I needed to be 'tamed'....Thank you so much for that. You've given me a gift that has made a huge difference in my life.

Tomorrow I'm talking at women's centre...telling my story....to give hope and show that nothing is impossible to overcome.

Thanks so much guys....thanks so much for always being in my corner. ☺

I did it!!!

2010-09-24T08:24:00.000-04:00

"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak...." Winston Churchill

I did it. I talked in front of people...not in the dark....with the lights on. I didn't run...or hide. At first...I wanted to....I thought of excuses to get out of talking...and when I was sitting there in that auditorium....I felt myself drifting. I fought it...I forced myself to stay present. Knowing people are in my corner....that I'm not running alone anymore......helped. It took the edge off.

Courage....I feel it....inside.....growing bigger than the fear....the fear that tortured me for so long...that held me back....kept me in the dark....forced me to hide....taunting me everyday like a relentless bully.

For a long time...it won out.....keeping me cornered...running scared....feeling not only its sting, but also that of its counterpart....shame.

Courage...running in the woods.....feeling His presence....watching the blueherons in flight....
Courage....blogging....connecting to some of the best people on the planet....you guys....
Courage....my kids....wanting to shine for them....to be their hero.....and show not just tell...they can do whatever they imagine....and be whoever they want.
Courage - it feels different than moving in fear.....this amazing sense of lightness...and freedom...

I'm glad He let me live. When it was so dark....living on life's edge.....I could never imagine life being any different than the pain and fear and shame of what it was. I don't know why I hung on and fought so hard to survive when friends of mine gave up and lost their hold on life. Why me...not them? For a long time I kept asking myself that. But I did live. And because I did....I want to make a difference. I want to reflect hope....and show freedom is possible.....and living with no hope can be turned to know hope.

Something I found out....when you're standing alone in the pitch black.....and you can't see any way ray of hope to get out......if you hang on with all your might...grit your teeth in determination....refuse to never let go...never give up.....in time the Light will shine in the darkness and things will get better...

Writing to Connect

2010-09-16T07:59:00.000-04:00

‎"Write only if you cannot live without writing. Write only what you alone can write." Elie Wiesel

Yesterday at work...I sat in a meeting...feeling uncomfortable....knowing I had to talk....in front of all those people. I felt that old familar sick feeling in the pit of my stomach....and a far away feeling....fighting hard to stay present. All I wanted was to run....leave.....hide....

I think it's because I'm writing another story......based on things that really happened. Things that made me afraid. Things that hurt. Things I've wanted to forget. But can't. And I've been talking to others.....who tell me simialiar stories.....women who have never forgotten the brutality of the mental health system that was supposed to help them....a system that stripped them of their dignity and made them live in fear.

A part of me needs to write....to tell.....to have my voice and to give a voice to others who want their stories told but don't know how to do it.

I want to be heard. I want to be known.... the real me...not just what people see....the strong, friendly, outgoing social me....but that part that so often needs to hide....and that's afraid....

When I'm alone....lost in my writing....I feel free....and connected. I can let my heart speak of things I've never been able to say.....things that still play in my head.....that remind me of when I lived with no hope. I know those things made me strong....made me a fighter.....gave me a determination to push back and never give up.

Writing gives me a release....a sense of purpose. Connecting with others who share similiar stories...I want to write the truth.....for them....for me.....I want to be a voice....

Winners Don't Run

2010-09-09T07:13:00.000-04:00

“First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win." Mathatma Gandhi

She was a frumpy forty-something single woman...with no style...and no flair. She definitely didn't look the part of a superstar singer. Everyone laughed at her. But she knew something the crowds didn't know. She knew she could sing. And she had gotten to a place in her life that she was ready to show everyone who she really was. She walked onto that stage....held her head high....and let everyone laugh. The lights dimmed....the music started...and Susan Boyle wowed the world. No one's laughing now!

I know what it feels like to be laughed at...to be judged...to be ridiculed. My parents laughed at me....called me garbage, idiot, retarded....told me I was a nobody...a nothing.....said I couldn't talk right...my words made no sense... I made no sense. I believed them...until that day in a hospital Emerg when He touched me.....and broke through the shame...and whispered that I was a somebody.

I went back to school....got a degree....even got on the dean's honor list. But the shame had reached so far down...that even though I didn't think it affected me anymore....it did. Those old voices taunting... teasing ...tormenting. No matter what I accomplished...they were there...whispering...who do you think you are? they'll find out they made a mistake...they'll find out you're a mistake.

Shame.....So many times I thought I was free of it and WHAMP! I wasn't! I tried shutting it out by throwing up and cutting myself...but it was always in the shadows.... holding me back....keeping me from living free.

Then this past year...I wrote my story...told what happened (www.gentlerecovery.webs.com)....all the secrets I had kept for so long. People looked at me with respect. I've been asked to speak at a writer's panel on Sept. 21st and at a women's centre Oct. 1st. I'm afraid of the shame kicking in again. I've always been afraid to be seen....to stand up...to talk in front of people who are looking at me...listening...and watching. I hope my words make sense. I hope I can do this without throwing up or passing out.

I know I'm a fighter...a fighter that pushes back. I don't give up...and I'll never give in....not to the lies...not to the shame. Like Susan Boyle...I'm beginning to know who I am....and what I'm capable of....I'm gonna push through that shame....

Ignored

2010-09-02T08:55:00.000-04:00

"I thought how unpleasant it is to be locked out; and I thought how it is worse, perhaps, to be locked in." Virginia Wolfe

Being ignored hurts. It cuts deep.....drudging up old wounds....stirring up unresolved pain....a tactic used to show superiority and send a strong message.... declaring the unacknowledged...unworthy... undeserving....less than.....

Being ignored is the cruelest way to make a point......to flaunt control.....to wield power. Not acknowledging a person can create a hurt so deep - it's the harshest thing someone can do to another...especially if that person claims to care.

My father used to ignore me....refusing to talk or acknowledge my presence. His silence would go on for days...sometimes weeks... shutting me out of his world....closing the door....denying me access to him. He wanted to teach me a lesson....that he was right....I was wrong...he was good....I was bad. It was his way to force me to do whatever he wanted.

He had hurt me many times with his words and his fists - yet to be locked out of his world tore at me. It made me crazy...and desperate to make things right. I ended up doing whatever he wanted....anything just to have him acknowledge me again.

Ever since I could think, he taught me 'that without him...I was nothing' and even though he beat me...called me awful names...broke my spirit - I believed I needed him to live...to breathe...to exist. I needed him to survive.

Something has changed since I wrote my story...and told the truth of what happened. Writing...voicing what I had never been able to say....changed something in me. It gave me an inner strength...a courage I didn't have before. I'm not afraid anymore and I'm not a child.

Letting go of that desperation...I'm learning to take my power back.

Direction

2010-08-25T21:01:00.000-04:00

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go..." Dr. Seuss

Decisions! I'm not the best at making them. Sometimes I think I like something...but I'm never really sure. I drive myself and my family crazy talking myself in and out of something. It's agonizing for them...and for me...but so many decisions...even simple ones... feel like a matter of life and death. I'm never really sure if I need it...want it...or even like it.

But there is something I know for sure....something I figured out these last few months...since I finally told what happened....and published my story...and won an award....and recieved so much support -

I want to use what happened to make a difference for someone else.....to give hope and show that nothing is impossible to overcome: not drugs, or the streets, or an eating disorder...or anything. Sometimes it seems like things will never change and sometimes things may not always work out in the ways I want...but the Light does come on...and things do change....and freedom is possible.

People tell me I'm a good writer. I didn't know that. All I know is I couldn't talk...and writing has helped me have my voice. Through writing...maybe I can say other things...things which I've never been able to openly talk about. It goes beyond my personal story to systems and how they run.....

Inside me.....there's a quiet whisper that pulls and tugs....pushing me to not be afraid to say those things I've never been able to voice....and maybe...just maybe I can make a difference for someone else.

Rights

2010-08-19T12:03:00.000-04:00

"If you hear the dogs, keep going. If you see the torches in the woods, keep going. If there's shouting after you, keep going. Don't ever stop. Keep going. If you want a taste of freedom, keep going."Harriet Tubman

Harriet Tubman born a slave.....had no rights...forced to do what someone else wanted....living less than human...a miserable life.....letting others define her worth...

A slave....subjected to the whim of those who claimed ownership over her. Like a dog chained and bound to another. But somewhere deep inside, she knew - she was born to live free. She wouldn't stay a slave....no matter what anyone said. She fought...closed her ears to those who said she couldn't do it.....risked her life....risked everything....to be free.

Funny thing....once she got free.....she went back....risked her life again...wanting others to find freedom too. Harriet Tubman....a slave....a woman....a black woman.....a hero.

I think I feel what Harriet Tubman must have felt. That fighter mentality...fighting to be free....knowing inside it's my right....everyone's right. It's how He created us....to live free...to be our own person....choosing the life we want...not letting anyone or anything define who we are or who we become.

I won't let what happened define me anymore. I won't let shame or fear force me to live less than human. And I'm going to tell and keep on telling so others also can know there's a way to freedom...and a right to that freedom for all of us. I used to think I had no rights...not even the right to exist. I used to believe others knew better than me about what I needed and what was good for me. I used to.....not anymore. I want the freedom that comes from knowing it's a right...my right.....everyone's right.

Running alone in the woods....hearing His gentle whisper in my heart....I know He's running with me....I know He's helping me to live free.

Changes

2010-08-12T15:33:00.000-04:00

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.” Herman Hesse

What is it about change that's so scary? Whenever I feel a need for change.....a need to move on.....a need to let go.....I fight and struggle to hold on...afraid of the change....afraid of letting go of what I know....especially if what I know has been something good. And even when it hasn't been......at least it's familiar.

Lately.....I've been feeling a pull to move forward....away from the famliar.....and what's been comfortable. I don't want to give up the things where I once found security and support. But those things are beginning to hurt me more than help me. And to stay means giving up parts of who I am....and the things I need to live free.

Letting go feels like a huge loss.... a sort of death. To let go or hold on?

Change is never easy, you fight to hold on, and you fight to let go.” – The Wonder Years

Giving Permission

2010-08-06T10:24:00.001-04:00

"...Give yourself permission to envision a You that you choose to be." Joy Page

Permission: the authorization granted to do something
Permission - formal consent - giving sanction.

Sanction - official permission or approval for a course of action.

When my therapist suggested I give myself permission to be free...I thought she was nuts. I wanted to be free. I had focused all my energy on trying to be free. I didn't get why she told me that....or even what she meant by it. It couldn't be that simple to find release in simply saying those words....or could it?

I did end up saying the words.....I gave myself permission to be free...to have a good life....a life I dreamed about....a life I yearned for.....a life like most people lived.

At first my words were just that....words. But then I noticed a change inside....a shift....a different feel that hadn't been there before. I started believing in the power of those words...accepting their truth....and soon coming to realize that just like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz - I had always had the power to get what I wanted....a power I had never realized before - the power to give myself what no one else could - the permission....the sanction.....to walk free.

I had tried for so long to twist myself into everyone else's version of what I should be.....all those professionals with their rules and programs and plans....promising me freedom if I would just do what they wanted. The problem - I couldn't fit into their way of being in 'my' world. I couldn't adjust myself enough to become what anyone else believed was right for me. It only kept me stuck....and frustrated.....and angry.

More than anything....I needed His touch to break through the darknesss....to cut through my hatred. He showed me something I never had before.....a love so great it gave me the courage to keep fighting. The next best thing....was learning to take back my power and give myself the permission to come home to me.

Dream Big

2010-07-30T11:32:00.000-04:00

“Somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue and the dreams that you dare to dream really do come true." Lyman Frank Baum

When I started writing, I never imagined I would ever publish a book. And I definitely never thought my story....my book would win a national book award or that people would be encouraged by my words....and what I lived.

When I lived on the streets....I never imagined I would have a home....a beautiful house in a great neighbourhood surrounded by nature and kind people.

When I couldn't stop using the needle or throwing up....I never imagined I could ever really be free.

When I fought to stay alive....with no one caring about whether I lived or died....I never imagined I would have the best family and incredible friends in my world...in my corner....believing in me....wanting the best for me.

I've learned to dream....to dream big. I discovered that things change...and the things we hunger for really do come true.

It's hard to see that when you're caught in the darkness and all around you it's totally black. But somehow eventually a little light flickers somewhere in that blackness.....and in time....it grows bigger....then bigger..and bigger - until time allows the Light to consume the dark....and the way out becomes visible and clear. You just have to hold on....never let go of hope or the dream that things can be different....

Sometimes I wonder how did that first little light flicker on in all that painful darkness. I don't exactly know...except as a child....I had a make-believe friend....a traffic light. That traffic light was my best friend. It always turned green just for me. And when it was red....it's 'cause it just wanted me to stay and talk a bit. I have another Friend...also a Light. - the difference....He's real. His Light always shines and fills me with the hope that anything and everything is possible.
Dream big....nothing is beyond realization....

True Friendship

2010-07-23T11:34:00.001-04:00

"In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies but the silence of our friends." Martin Luther King, Jr

My older sister and I were separated for a long time. Our parents tried hard to keep us apart... It didn't work...we found each other three years ago and somehow....became best friends.

At first...we didn't trust...but we both wanted the connection. We pushed past the distrust...past our own needs....even past hurt feelings at times.

We're different her and I... our likes, how we do things...how we move in the world.....yet in other ways....we're the same. - Our pain....the way we look at life....the effects the abuse had on us....our desire to live our best lives.

Somehow we figured out......to always keep a hand extended out to each other...never closing the door because of hurt feelings....or misunderstandings or differences. We've been in each other's corner... encouraging... supporting....believing the best...accepting each other completely. And always with a hand extended out....never taking it away....never closing the door.....never leaving the other with unresolved hurt feelings...never silent...never ignoring the other. That has made the difference.

I fought so hard to be free....alone...with friends dying...or leaving...or moving on. For the first two years...I was afraid my sister's words weren't real....that she would leave...close the door....move on.. She hasn't and she told me she will never go away. I believe her...And I vow that to her too.

Freedom

2010-07-17T15:34:00.002-04:00

"I know why the caged bird sings" Maya Angelou

The small window didn't provide much to look at. I could see only the corner of another building that intersected with the one where I was held. It blocked most of the view to the gardens but I could still see the open sky and the white clouds hanging like soft beckoning pillows. Every once in a while a pigeon or two flew by, dipping in the cracks of the infrastructure and sometimes, even stopping to perch on the window ledge. Their liberty to come and go wherever they liked teased me and deepened my longing for freedom.

I discovered if I stared long and hard at the sky....without moving or even blinking, I could feel it's energy pouring its life into me....and drawing me up and away from the dismal nightmare that I had been thrown into. Keeping my eyes fixed upward, I imagined myself blending in with the vast expanse of the open sky...flying up and away from the darkness with all its misery and frightening screams and strange people with bizarre behaviours and staff that enforced rules that made no sense to me.

Being trapped is the worst feeling ever.....not being able to come and go as you like....having someone else dictate what you can and cannot do....even when to eat or sleep or shower. But living physically free without having freedom is not much better.

Like that caged bird....I yearned and ached for freedom. Yet when I got it....I still wasn't free. And even after He touched me....freed me from the drug addiction - still....I wasn't free. Someone said freedom comes with a price. I think that's true. I learned I had to give up.....let go....surrender....to be truly free.

I'm free now to chose what I want....in life and from life...but it's a funny thing about freedom - now that I'm free...what I want....is to do what He wants...what He says....to follow His lead....

I struggled so hard to be my own person.....using my body as the battlefield....falling so far down....into some awfully dark places....making myself sick from a deep ache inside wanting to be free. And yet now I've discovered...there is freedom in not being totally free.

A Witness

2010-07-11T08:37:00.003-04:00

"....for the dead and the living, we must bear witness." Eli Wiesel

A German publisher asked to review my book. They're considering translating it to sell in Germany. It's not a sure thing but I'm blown away that they're even considering it. A book store yesterday took 20 of my books and told me they want to help me find a distributor...and someone else is wanting to help me get my book out into a wider audience. I am blown away by all this....and by the kindness and support I've recieved.

Funny how I never wanted anyone to know any of the stuff that happened or what I did to survive. Now I want to be a witness that freedom is possible....that there is a way out of darkness...of pain....and mostly from the shame that is like sticky paper - so hard to get out from under.

I've stopped asking why....why I survived and others didn't. Why I lived...when others took their lives...or died by accident or lived but can't shake the depression or chronic pain or addiction to medications or food or something......

I want to stand up....be a witness....a witness that no matter what we lived...no matter what happened.....we can be free. What ever happened to us doesn't define who are are...or even who we become.

It's painful to remember...but I want to walk back into the darkness....into that silence....to that place that held so much shame from which I thought I would never be free - for the reason....of helping someone else find freedom. To give hope to not to give up....to never to give up....

And I want to show the power of His gentleness that broke through and gave me the freedom. When I close my eyes.....when I'm quiet.....and alone...the memories are right there....fighting so hard to survive....alone....not believing I would ever be free....living so close to the edge....and to death....unable to look anyone in their eyes....or have them look into mine......ripping my arms, shooting up, throwing up...just to make it through a day......And then....just like that....He touched me. His gentle touch changed everything....gave me hope....and the courage to fight even harder...and to make it out of the darkness. And all I know....if I can make it out...anybody can.....

Changes

2010-07-04T11:36:00.000-04:00

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. Anatole France

In so many ways....I have become free. The shame and fear mostly gone....blogging has given me a voice...a voice that was heard and affirmed by you guys. Your constant affirmations have given me something so huge....it's made me feel like I don't need to hide as much. My biggest fear has always been being known.....being seen. I know I'm not quite where I should be...but I'm not where I was. I want to be free not to worry about being seen.....especially when someone knows my past...what happened....how far down I had fallen and what I did to survive..

I held onto the secrets too long and allowed the shame to cripple me. I'm accepting more and more that I'm not what happened to me.....but I know it has shaped who I have become and how I see things.

I never what to take anyone's dignity away from them. I never want to reduce anyone to feeling less than human like those professionals who did that to me....who medicalized my response to being beaten and raped. When I didn't cooperate with what they said I 'should' do, they took it as a message that I didn't want help. And they labeled me and saw the destructive behaviour as my being unwillingly to be free.

I've learned that cutting, eating disorders and the needle were only symptoms of what was going on inside...and they were also my way of surviving what happened.

I want to keep moving forward...reaching for life....learning to live it fully. I still struggle to let myself enjoy life....to touch and feel and experience the good without feeling guilty or believing I don't have the right. I've come this far...I'm determined to climb higher....I want my life to shine with hope that nothing is impossible to overcome.